Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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