I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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