I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Four minutes until I can fart!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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