im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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