toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
