i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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