You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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