I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize