You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
i think my cat just said my name.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
