Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
