I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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