unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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