I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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