It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
