meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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