If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
