HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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