dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
