theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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