The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
