Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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