you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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