you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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