my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
