apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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