I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
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Do I have a choice?
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Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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