Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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