Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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