I am spending my child support on dildos
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
