Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
