I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
