I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
