I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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