the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
