plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize