apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
