She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Cover your peen. We're going out.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
