that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
