cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
