my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
