Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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