my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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