Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You dont lie about slip and slides
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
