As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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