Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
