She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
