My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
