I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
