We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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