so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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