so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
