Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i came on her dog
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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