I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
