The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize