I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
