I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
