i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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