meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
