ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
