Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize