if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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