And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
