Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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