moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
